As-Salamu’alaikum.

I just wanted to take a moment and share a benefit (or “pearl” if you will) that I received from the Al-Maghrib course, “Protect This House” by Sheikh Abu ‘Eesa Niamatullah. Every parent has to deal with disciplining their children, and this is something Muslims in the west have a hard time with especially because the community here is either an immigrant population where societal norms from back home may be frowned upon or even deemed “abusive” by western standards, or are reverts from the local population, and unfortunately have experiences from their jahiliyyah period as a reference point which may not necessarily be Islamic. What is one to do? The biggest challenge that Muslim parents have in raising their children in the west (or anywhere else for that matter) are two things:

1. Making their children pray 5 times a day regularly.
2. Have their children memorize Qur’an.

So how does one accomplish the above? There is no “one size fits all” solution. This will always be a challenge for parents, however, what we can do is share useful tips that might be helpful to some if not all of us.

One such approach is something that I learned from this class a few weeks ago, which I refer to as “Reverse Psychology”. This technique works best for smaller children as opposed to the older ones so please bear this in mind when you consider to apply it. The way it works is rather simple. Some parents in an effort to make their children pray or read/memorize the Qur’an, end up “forcing” their children to do so, whether it is by corporal punishment (which unfortunately in some circles is the norm, and I actually have first-hand experience in this), or by raising their voices, isolating the child, and the list goes on. Instead, the parent uses the opposite approach. How? If your child is misbehaving, you tell the child,

“Go to your room, you are NOT ALLOWED TO PRAY WITH US!”

or

“Go to your room, you are NOT ALLOWED TO READ THE QUR’AN!”

This approach assumes of course that you as a family indeed pray together (if not, please start). The purpose of this is to let the child know that they have crossed a line, and are so bad that they don’t have the PRIVILEGE to pray to ALLAH, or read ALLAH’S BOOK. This approach has three purposes:

1. Let the child know that Salah is a privilege, and only the special elite get to Pray to ALLAH.
2. Being away from Salah or from learning the Qur’an should create a void in the heart, and a real sense of guilt/loss, that can only be fulfilled with Salah/learning Qur’an.
3. With this realization in mind, they will feel honoured to join the fold once again in Salah, and have a much greater appreciation for the Salah, and will (InshaALLAH) grow to love the Salah.

Your purpose at the younger age is to foster a love for the Salah, and a love of learning/reading the Qur’an. Unfortunately, this feeling is lost when you enforce these rules with strict punishment. Your intentions may be altruistic, but your actions will unfortunately cause hurt, and pain, which the child in turn, will associate with Salah/learning the Qur’an. As I said, I know this feeling and experience all too well(it actually took YEARS for me to come back to learning the Qur’an). Once you have fostered this love of Salah, and learning the Qur’an, your job of teaching them to your child has become SIGNIFICANTLY easier (InshaALLAH).

One thing I must stress here, and that is, you as a family must already be praying together or actively reading Qur’an in front of your family. Leading is always through example, and if this is not something you’re doing, then this “punishment” will not work. In this situation, it is you who is the problem, and you must start with yourself. Then and only then will you be able to have an affect on others. Make jama’ah at home, or have your husband lead the children in Salah. In addition, recite the Qur’an that you yourself have been learning/teaching in the loud Salah so that you are putting into practice what you have been learning/teaching yourself. Let Salah be a family thing like eating dinner together. Praying, and learning Qur’an is not just for children, but for everyone. Let your child know that if Salah and learning Qur’an is important for grown-ups, then what excuse do they have?

As the old saying goes, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a life.” In this case, fostering a love of praying, and learning Qur’an is your own way of teaching your child to “fish” so to speak 🙂

May ALLAH make things easy for you and your family.

Take care.
Was-Salamu’alaikum
Abu Maryam