What’s your story?

Posted on March 9, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

One thing we as parents know about raising children is that all children love stories (including many, if not most adults)! Reading is fundamental for a child’s development at every stage of their life, not just for developing their language skills, but also to develop their creative thinking. One of the challenges for Muslims living here in the west is to screen the content of these stories for their children. Some may consider us to be prudes for even discussing this topic, dismissing our concerns as being “fanatic”, “wahhabi”, “suffocating”, “overbearing”, but the truth of the matter is that quite a bit of children’s stories have content that are questionable by Islamic standards.
How so? Magic is a common staple of children’s stories for centuries (e.g. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pinocchio – which also happen to be standard Disney cartoons that most children watch), but the reality is that magic is HARAM in Islam, and should not be presented to children as being something that is glorified, or a path to immediate success. This is precisely what the allure of magic is for non-Muslims: It is a quick and easy way to become successful, no hard work, no du’a, and everything is for this present life (i.e. no concept of the Akhira). No du’a, no trust in ALLAH, no hard work, no patience. Nothing.
The problem with this, is that if our children are brainwashed with these false images, they will become disenchanted with Islam, and only focus on attaining worldly benefit. When we look at the stories of any of the Prophets, we see that there is a constant struggle against evil, their is a need for patience, and a requirement to have trust in ALLAH, and ALLAH alone. No wishing upon a star (which would be kufr), nor asking some phantom “fairy god mother” (also kufr, and who is neither a “fairy”, not a “god”, and nor your mother). As children get older, they read “The Wizard of Oz”, and when they get a little older, they come across “Hairy Potter”. The root of this problem is that we as parents first need to be aware of the magnitude of the concept of magic in Islam. If we are to be our children’s teachers, then we need to first and foremost become students ourselves, and learn the fundamentals of our beliefs. It is only by being proactive can we properly educate our children.

This issue is not just restricted to the concept of magic alone. Take for example the story of “Robin Hood”. Most people may not be aware, but the entire premise of this story is that this is all happening during the Crusades, and Robin is a loyalist to King Richard “the Lionheart”, an avowed enemy of Islam, killer of countless Muslims (and a homosexual). Yet, these elements are glossed over, and characters like “Robin Hood” are considered heroes because they stole from the rich and gave to the poor (and Muslims are none the wiser). Even if we are to ignore the historical elements that relate to “Robin Hood”, we must also know that in Islam, good old Robin Hood would have his hand chopped off, because stealing is not justified, even if it is from the rich. Being rich is not a crime, but stealing is. Period.

So why the rant Abu Maryam? What is the point of all this? What are you going to do about it? Well, AlhamduLILLAH, as I mentioned above, we as parents must be proactive in raising our children, and we also would like to present a solution, along with identifying the problem. Yes, we are not living in an Islamic society, which means naturally we are going to be bombarded with many things that are foreign, and of course, Haram in Islam. Can we shield our children from this haram their whole lives? Are children never to read a book without you screening it for them? One solution that we hope more and more parents take up is to write and publish their own stories. In this day and age of Information Technology, the Internet, eBooks, smartphones and tablets, it is now easier than ever to publish your own story without having to formally approach a publishing company. With this, parents can now come up with their own stories for their own children, and perhaps make some money along the way by sharing with other parents. To help you get started, here are two links to articles that we hope will be helpful in writing and publish your own stories:

1. Pixar’s 22 rules for storytelling

2. How to make an eBook with iBooks Author

“But Abu Maryam, I’m not a professional writer, how can I write a story?”

Simple, take folk tales from your country of origin, and give it your own twist, or take an existing story that we are familiar with today, and create your own version. Instead of “Robin Hood”, why not a story of a Muslim character who is trying to protect Salahuddin’s (a REAL Hero of Islam – May ALLAH have Mercy on Him) kingdom in his absence against a conniving traitor working for the crusaders? There are lots of ideas that are out there, we just need to go discover them, and then put them to use. The first step is to learn our own Islamic history, and then write stories of characters living during those glory days (like Moorish Spain, Constantinople after the Ottoman conquest, the Crusades).
There are enough free tools out there to help you with editing, and proof reading, as well as many sites that offer free stock images and photography. Even if your attempt is mediocre, make no mistake, your child will be so proud of you to have come up with something that is professionally made. That is a victory by itself, as your child’s respect for you will have increased! If enough parents take time to take up this initiative, parents of latter generations will no longer have to turn to literature containing haram elements, because they will have a healthy staple of good, entertaining, and HALAL literature for their children to choose from (InshaALLAH).

We ask ALLAH to make things easy for you and your families, Ameen.

Take care.
Was-Salamu’alaikum
Abu Maryam.

P.S. If you know of any resources that you wish to share with others, please send them to us, and we’ll be happy to post it on our site, InshaALLAH! It is our hope that one day, enough concerned parents will be able to come up with their own stories that are just as good, if not better than those that are in the mainstream today.

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Repetition helps, Repetition helps.

Posted on March 5, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

Below is an interesting article I came across that could be quite beneficial to Muslim parents, except in our case, rather than reading the same book, one could easily replace this with reciting Surah’s from the Qur’an, thus giving the child a head start in memorization 🙂  In addition, one can of course do as the study suggests and read aloud children’s books just to improve their vocabulary!

Reading the same book over and over helps you learn faster (if you’re 18-months old)

BY Jeva Lange

girlreadinghungrycaterpilla.jpgWeary parents may roll their eyes at their toddlers’ insistence to have the same book read over and over, but a new study by the University of Sussex finds that the repetition is important for little learners.

Dr. Jessica Horst and her researchers say that children who were read the same story three times back-to-back, instead of three different stories, actually retain 3.6 of the new words they’ve been introduced to instead of the 2.6 of the “variety” group.

“You don’t need to go crazy and buy every single ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ book. Reading the same books over and over again helps,” Dr. Horst told The Independent.

According to the study, it’s actually a waste of money to buy enormous collections of books for your toddler, as much as we might want them for ourselves. Instead, young children benefit most from the attention to a favorite few. Additionally, just 30 minutes of one-on-one reading sessions can improve a child’s reading age by nearly two years in less than five months.

For those worried about flipping about “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” endlessly, take comfort in knowing this doesn’t last forever. Eventually little Suzy will move on to “Ulysses” — but until then, her best chance at a Joycean vocabulary might just be that thirteenth recitation of “In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf
”

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“No Fruit From Visitors!”

Posted on March 1, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

This honestly is an amazing article on making du’a that removes a lot of misconceptions that we have about how we are to call on ALLAH in our times of need.  Truly, a must read:

Source URL: http://almuqarraboon.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/no-fruit-from-visitors/

A few days ago, I received a letter in which someone was expressing dismay at a hardship they were witnessing, that would not end. The letter contained the line: “
I am angry. Why didn’t Allah listen to our du’a? Why?”

I decided to write this as a response because this is an unfortunately common reaction, and it’s due to a severe misunderstanding of how du’a’ (i.e. invoking God for something) works. We tend to think of du’a’ as a panic button: you’re in a tight situation, God promised repeatedly in the Qur’an that he responds to the one who invokes Him in need, therefore, if you get all the details right (last third of the night, concentration, etc), the next day you’ll see “the answer.” And if you don’t get “the answer,” you begin to internally doubt the promise of God. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) addressed this phenomenon in an authentic hadith collected by both al-Bukhari & Muslim. The wording in Muslim’s narration is more to the point:

“A person’s invocation of God will continue to be answered – so long as he/she doesn’t ask for something sinful or to cut off a family member – and so long as he/she isn’t hasty.” He was asked: “How would he be hasty?” The Prophet replied: “By saying: ‘I prayed and I prayed, and I don’t see that I’m being answered,’ and he then loses hope and gives up invoking God.”

This is a very interesting hadith, and a deep look at it will teach you a lot about how du’a’ works, and how it doesn’t work.

Look at the Prophet’s words: “
will continue to be answered
” compare with the hasty person’s complaint: “I don’t see that I’m being answered.” At first, they may seem to contradict each other – how can a prayer ‘continue’ to be answered while the person doesn’t see an answer? Where is the answer? What happens is that there are situations where your prayers are answered in parts, such that something is happening to lead up to the answer you want to see, even if you don’t recognize these parts as a response to your prayers. Imagine you are trapped in a room with no door, and the only way out is by breaking the window to climb out. All you have with you is a small pile of rocks. You pick up a rock and throw it at the window. It doesn’t smash, but it does cause a small crack. You throw another rock. Another crack. You throw another, then another, then another, until enough cracks form, one last rock smashes the window, and you now have a way out. This is how du’a’ works – each prayer results in a partial answer, a lead-up, and when you remain consistent and repeat the prayer over and over again, you finally get the full answer you want. This is why in the popular hadith about the three men trapped in the cave, the first man’s prayer was enough to only move the boulder slightly. The second man’s prayer moved it just a little more, and it took the third man’s prayer to give them the answer they sought: for the boulder to move enough to allow them out of the cave. So, know that repetition and consistency is essential. Remember: the first rock will only make a crack in the glass, but enough rocks will smash the window and give you a way out.

And this will take time. The hadith says: “
so long as he/she isn’t hasty.” When you water a seed to grow a plant, you don’t pour thirty gallons of water on it at once and wonder why nothing sprouted from beneath the soil. Rather, you water a bit, wait, water a bit, wait, and so on, knowing for a fact that no matter how long the process, the end result will be the grown flower you desire. Likewise, you know for a fact that God will fulfill His promise to you to respond to your prayers. But instantaneous miracles are exceptions to the rule. The rule is that the process of invoking God and getting a response involves time and demands patience, as Ibn al-Jawzi said in ‘Sayd al-Khatir’  (p. 148):

“Hardships have an end whose time is known only to God. So, anyone experiencing them has no choice but to be patient until that time is up. Losing patience before that time will not help anything. Patience is a must, but it is useless without prayer. The one praying should not be hasty, and should instead engage in worship through patience, prayers, and submission to the All-Wise
the hasty one is infringing on the function of the Planner, and this is not the proper position of a servant to be in. The best position to be in is to accept your fate, and this demands patience. To beg constantly in prayer is the most reliable recourse. Opposition to fate is forbidden, and infringes on the function of the Planner. Understand these points, and your hardship will be much easier to deal with
”

But if God is able to change things instantly, why would He wait before answering your prayer? Because it is only through a prolonged struggle that you learn what your weaknesses are, at first to root them out, and replace them with strength. It’s like bitter medicine. This is why in the early days of Islam, when the Companions approached the Prophet as he sat next to the Ka’bah when they were being most intensely persecuted and asked him: “Won’t you pray for us to have victory? Won’t you invoke God for us?” his response was: “
but you are being too hasty.” It wasn’t that God couldn’t wipe out all of the Quraysh that very instant. Rather, it was that the questioner was ignorant of the immense educational & developmental benefits that would be totally by passed had the Prophet’s supplication been answered then and there. And indeed, God saw fit that, for the most beloved people to Him, His promise would be fulfilled only after thirteen years of hot struggle in Makkah, and another ten in Madinah – a full 23 years! And by the end of those 23 years, they finally had the insight to understand that it should have happened no other way. Remember: the flower will blossom, but not overnight. You must water it over time.

Finally, understand that your prayers are answered within the framework of the natural laws of the Universe. God controls the events that occur within that framework, and He responds through that framework. Again, miracles do exist, but they are exceptions to the rule. An unmarried woman who prays for a child is unlikely to miraculously become pregnant like the Virgin Mary, and a woman at the age of 100 is unlikely to miraculously become pregnant like Sarah, the wife of Abraham. Rather, when you pray to God for a child, you know that this prayer will be fulfilled only through the process by which children are born: marriage, intimate relations, pregnancy, gestation, childbirth. In the end, your prayer is fully answered, but only after the natural process took its course – a natural process which is itself controlled by God, and through which He alone answered your prayers. Prophet Joseph had a dream as a child in which God promised Him a position of authority over Egypt, and that promise was fulfilled. But a series of events had to occur first to get from Point A to Point B: he was taken by his brothers, he was thrown in the well, he was sold into slavery, he was thrown into prison, he interpreted the dreams of other inmates, which impressed the King, which led to his appointment as Egypt’s Minister of Finance, and thus was the promise in that childhood dream fulfilled for Joseph (peace be upon him). It had to come at the end of a series of seeming unrelated precursors, but it came!

One more story from Egypt, and I shall close. After Sayyid Qutb was executed back in the late ’60s, his brother Muhammad and sister Hamidah were kept in prison, but were forbidden from seeing each other. The Interior Minister at the time, Sha’rawi Jum’ah, had also put a rule into place that none of the Islamists in that prison could receive fruit from visitors. After several years, Muhammad Qutb put in a request to be able to see his sister after all that time. Sha’rawi Jum’ah sent his reply: “You will not see your sister, dead or alive!” About a year passed, and a new government suddenly came into power and threw all of the former regime members in prison. Muhammad & Hamidah Qutb found themselves free, and Sha’rawi Jum’ah found himself now occupying a cell in that same prison. One day, his wife came to visit him in prison, and brought him a basket of food. The guard stopped her, searched the basket, and found some fruit inside. He asked her who she was visiting, and she replied: “My husband, Mr. Sha’rawi Jum’ah.” The guard informed her: “I’m sorry, but I must obey the rules: no fruit from visitors.“

This is how du’a’ works. It is not a panic button that guarantees instant miracles. Rather, it involves time & depth; it demands consistency, repetition, persistence, patience, and insight. Above all, it is a process which revolves around the fact the every single second of the day, God has total knowledge & control of this entire Universe, and everyone & everything in it. So palms to the sky


Written by:
Tariq Mehanna
Tuesday, 6th of Rabi’ ath-Thani 1433/
28th of February 2012
Plymouth Correctional Facility
Isolation Unit, Cell # 107

 

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Computer Programming for children…YES, CHILDREN!

Posted on February 16, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

Here is a very nice article on how some very young children are able to learn computer programming, and develop their own games.  I honestly believe that with the right teachers, and with proper support, our children are capable of much more than we give them credit for, and this is further proof.  Subjects like mathematics (including Algebra), programming, physics, biology, chemistry may be intimidating to us, but we should not let our bias’ be an obstacle for our children.  Foster a love of learning, give them the right tools, explain the subject matter to them in a way that they can comprehend, motivate them, give them the freedom to experiment, and explore, as well as reward them for their hard work and efforts.  The results will surprise you!

—-

Meet the Youngest Video Game Programmer

Feb 15, 2013 11:09 AM ET // by Alyssa Danigelis

A bright young programmer from Philadelphia recently unveiled a video game involving ballerinas, jewels and vampires — sure to be a hit with young girls. The programmer herself also happens to be seven years old.

Zora Ball, a first grader at the Harambee Institute of Science and Technology Charter School in Philadelphia, created the video game in a class focused on science, technology, engineering and mathematics led by Tariq Al-Nasir, who heads the STEMnasium Learning Academy.

Al-Nasir’s organization uses open-source software called Bootstrap and Alice 2.0 that was originally developed for university-level coursework. While sixth and seventh graders are usually advanced enough to begin learning it, Al-Nasir told me he made the software more accessible with a programming language called Racket.

Once he got them into a this new programming environment, Al-Nasir was essentially teaching math to Ball and her classmates in a fun way. The students designed interactive games involving three elements: a player, a goal and something to avoid, all moving along X and Y coordinates. Then they picked a setting for the game.

For Zora Ball, that meant making the player a ballerina who’s searching for a jewel in a nail salon while trying to avoid a vampire — something she doesn’t like, Al-Nasir said. ”She was obviously very comfortable understanding that the danger is moving on the X and the player will be moving on the Y coordinate,” he added.

The Philadelphia Tribune’s Damon C. Williams called Zora the youngest individual to create a full version of a mobile application video game. Recently Zora demonstrated her skills at Will.i.am’s TRANS4M benefit show in Los Angeles, where she showed the singer a new game she’d made. Will.i.am was the player, microphones were the goal and the danger was a bad note, Al-Nasir explained.

And to think that in first grade my big achievement was making a Guy Smiley puppet with a popsicle stick. Seriously, nice work Zora.

Next, Al-Nasir said his first grade students are going to be designing more elaborate games based on the Alice programming language and then entering them into a competition. Meanwhile his eighth and ninth grade students are developing an app using Java and C programming called “Let Freedom Ring” in tribute to Martin Luther King Jr.

If you’re wondering where tomorrow’s version of Angry Birds will come from, keep an eye out for these kids.

 

http://news.discovery.com/tech/apps/youngest-video-game-programmer-130215.htm

 

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What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Posted on February 13, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

This article by Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah in my opinion is a must read for both brothers and sisters on the reality of marriage in Islam in our time.  Unfortunately, the blog that this article was posted on is down but here is the full text of the article that I managed to find elsewhere on the web AlhamduLILLAH.  The insight from the people of knowledge is always beneficial, and I honestly hope that it benefits us all.  In my humble opinion, as the trend of feminism has grown in the western culture, so has this trend among the speakers and Imam’s that are popular as well.  The problem is that Islam does not need any changes, or “re-interpretation”.  From its inception, this Deen is perfect, is universal, and is relevant until the Day of Judgment.  AlhamduLILLAH, it is good to see that there are some people of knowledge (few as they are), who are able to present Islam in an unapologetic way, and call a spade a spade.  Islam is a middle path, that is neither feminist, nor chauvinist.

O Allah! Enable me to see the Truth as Truth and give me the ability to follow it. And enable me to see the falsehood as false and give me the ability to refrain from it.

(Tafseer ibne Katheer vol.1 pg.292 verse 213)

P.S.  Please do not take my endorsement of this article to also be an endorsement of Tina Turner 🙂

What’s Love Got To Do With It?
by Ustadh Abu Eesa Niamatullah

And as we know from before, Tina Turner put it even more bluntly in her next line of her hit song, “What’s love but a second-hand emotion?”

You have to give it to song-writers: they really do express the truth sometimes in remarkably effective fashion.

The issues of love, prospective partners, marriage, keeping the flame of love burning etc have been beaten to death by mankind since time immemorial. Everyone has had a say on the matter and quite right too: no human is free from the stresses, hassles and difficulties encountered in day-to-day life and everyone will have had some brush with the emotion of love at some time. Everyone will want to share their feelings on the issue, and the Islamic internet forums and chat sites seem to talk about nothing else or at least stimulate the most response from the community at large when the topic is addressed.

So why then, after so many thousands of years of human experience have we not solved all these problems and banished the ignorance surrounding it? And why in particular have the Muslims not left their baggage behind on the issue after receiving divine guidance as well? And even more damningly, why haven’t the increasingly “practicing” crowd of Muslims who really should know so much better, ranging from the just-started-to-practice-Islam-recently folks to students of knowledge to the scholars themselves, set a clear example to the rest of the community by becoming shining role-models of how relationships should be conducted?

The answer is because this is a human problem, this is a nafs problem, and this is a love problem. No-one is going to get away with an easy ride.

I wish to offer the following words/thoughts on this subject with my focus on the “practising” community because they should all really know better. Those who are just Muslim by identity will fall into all sorts of other cultural problems and barriers and will fall foul of much ignorance and require serious help, more than just a few words in an article, whereas I’d like to concentrate on those who clearly have a problem controlling their desires, have errors in their thought process and just need to be reminded really of what is expected from serious Muslims.

One has to be quite frank in dealing with this, and say things that will hurt people and possibly offend their feelings, yet without being honest about the real deep-set attitudes and problems that we specifically face as a community such as racism, sexism, apathy and misogyny, we’ll never reach an agreeable status quo.

Pre-Marriage

I don’t feel like writing a fancy article to be honest, so let me ask some rhetorical questions and make a few more statements of rhetoric, all based on what I consider to be prevalent beliefs and truths amongst the Muslim community as someone who has advised and sat on the other end of countless marriage-hunts and subsequent marriage breakdowns, which unfortunately is becoming the only use for many Imams and scholars these days in the West, wa Allāhu musta‘ān.

Once someone starts to look for marriage, it seems that we lose all rational thought. Somehow we believe that we’ve all become super-special – why are you looking for the perfect girl, when you are not the perfect man? Why should your wife be an Hāfidha when you yourself don’t know a tenth of the Qur’ān? What exactly do you have to offer your wife-to-be instead of the other way round?

Have no doubt that in the meat-market that the marriage scene wants to become, only the best leg of lamb of will do, the best cut, the juiciest piece. But you’d better be prepared to pay a hefty price for such a nice piece of meat. And therein lays the reality: if you want the best woman, you’d better have a whole lot to offer. If you want your wife to be the most beautiful girl in the world, humble as a villager from “back home”, smart as a PhD student at Harvard, to cook biryani like your mum, to have as much stamina as a long-distance runner, to be as brave as the strongest Mujāhidah, to be as savvy with current society and the community as a female politician and then as religiously practicing and devoted as ‘A’isha, then – other than having to wake up, make ta‘awwudh, and turn on to the other side – you had better be the Prophet Muhammad (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam). And sorry to say folks, but that just isn’t going to happen now is it?

The concept of give and take, to be realistic, to understand and appreciate ones faults and weaknesses and then ever better, to accept and live with them in another person is actually rather difficult and requires serious control over one’s heart and desires. This is because when we look for a marriage partner, we make it completely synonymous with the concept of “falling in love” which is rather short-sighted. You see, as many societal scientists have asserted, one of the biggest misconceptions about “falling in love” is that this is love itself.

Of course when you’re looking for a prospective partner, you’re looking to develop love for the other person but we give a disproportionate bias to the actual emotion of “falling in love” which is almost exclusively a sexually-motivated feeling that is completely temporary. This is not what we call deep love. The whole experience of falling in love, the giddiness of just being with him/her will disappear as quickly as it came. This is just human nature. The type of love that you have for your children or your parents has nothing to do with sexuality or eroticism, rather it is deep-seated appreciation for the other person due to factors of loyalty, closeness, friendship, care etc. Naturally the love of one’s wife has the extra aspect of sexual love and desire which is very important but certainly not the key factor for the marriage. It’s amazing that the statement of the Prophet (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) concerning the fact that a man will be truly successful if a woman is married for her religion is so well-known yet so discarded when it comes to the final decision on a prospective partner.

Obviously the beauty, wealth, and who the woman actually is (i.e. her lineage) are valid important factors as confirmed by the Prophet (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) but the secret is a not very well kept one: if you really want this marriage to last and be built upon a solid foundation and not just become a one-night stand based upon looks, shape and eloquence, then look for the one who fears Allah most, who is most conscious of Allah at all times and who will never turn away from what Allah and His Messenger wants. It goes without saying that our women should demand the very same in their hunt for a good man as well.

This is how it would be in an ideal situation but clearly with the proliferation of matrimonial sites and marriage meetings and the like, we’ve come to realise otherwise. The Muslim community is rammed to the rafters with sub-quality men and women, diseased by their surroundings, obsessed with materialism and the visual stimuli and beauty that the world demands all of us to be signed-up members to, ideologically battered into accepting value systems that are alien to our theology, and all suffering a lack of god-consciousness at almost epidemic levels. And now they’re desperate. And now, anything is worth a try.

It is through this quagmire that men go “back home” for a traditional girl. It is through this mess that a woman demands a doctor for their husband. And neither party can be blamed. Personally I support the concept that “let the best man win” and encourage both parties to fight for the very best, as this can only be healthy for the community at large. If a person is going to be lazy enough to not work hard and study, or is going to be lazy enough to watch TV rather than memorise the Qur’ān, or a girl wishes to study for a degree as opposed to learn the intricacies of child-care and teaching, then leave them alone and they’ll find someone who they deserve. If you’ve put the sacrifice in, then you should look for better. Go and memorise the Qur’ān and then demand a Hāfidha. Spend your teen years learning fiqh and theology and then demand a scholar for a husband. Study hard and show yourself to be perceptive, intelligent and insightful and then demand a scientist/professional man. Cut yourself off from the normal haunts of society such as the school and work parties, the constant socials with the boys, the weddings and the other places of lewdness and low standards and then demand a woman who rightly hasn’t been seen or touched by another man. In summary, the general rule of “you get what you deserve” normally works out true. And in this dog-eat-dog world, if you’re the best, expect and demand the best.

As for the rest of us not so blessed with such values and such an ethic of sacrifice, then I guess it’s credit crunch time and we should just make do with whatever we can and hope for the best. If we’ve all become beggars due to the economy, then beggars can’t be choosers.

Finally, the practising Muslims out there have an extra responsibility to stamp out the ignorance that affects their own kind. The obsession for the white-convert girl for their much coveted skin colour, the avoidance of black-convert men and women, the avoidance of arab women due to their perceived strength of character and knowledge of female rights in Islam (!), the preference for Asian women due to the perceived ignorance of female rights in Islam (!) and all the other truisms that experience has shown to be very much alive and kicking in our communities needs to be tackled. Sure, there is no problem wanting certain people, preferring certain cultures, accepting parental and family preferences, but when you let that preference develop into a bias and a deep-seated belief, it only feeds the ignorance and xenophobic attitude that some Muslims suffer from today.

In quick conclusion for those wanting to get married, despite everything that I’ve mentioned and thrown out as thoughts, I personally advise you to find the person who you can gauge to have been best protected from the ideological and materialistic fitnah of this dunya, has learnt and practices as much as possible of the Deen, has the most patience, is the best with kids and education (women), is not lazy and has courage (men) and finally is the best looking person you can hope to find to provide satisfaction for the eyes at a time when society is insisting that our eyes see more and more.

Other truisms need to be kept in mind: no woman wishes to live with her in-laws. Indeed, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law were not programmed to live permanently with one another and if you want to insist on such an arrangement, expect to jump out of marriage as quickly as you jumped in. It is not correct for a man to just demand a perpetual state of sadaqah from his wife in looking after his parents and family as well as do all the cleaning and housekeeping when it has not been made an obligation upon her. Likewise for the women, expect practising men to be completely committed and devoted to their parents who are dependent upon them. Honest, frank discussions about living conditions post-marriage during the engagement process will be essential to minimise fitnah later on.

And Allah knows best.

Post-Marriage

Now that the job has been done, the “falling in love” period is over and we’re starting to settle down as only married couples know best, we have to turn on the “maintain” button and start the thermostat so that the heating automatically kicks in when the marriage gets a bit cold.

It is about now that those couples who got married based upon looks, wealth and position are really going to struggle. I won’t patronise the practising Muslims by placing them in this group but regardless, it’s about now that when you wake up in the morning and turn to wake up your wife for Fajr, she doesn’t quite look like she did on your wedding day. That’s if she isn’t awake already considering she hasn’t had any sleep with you snoring all night and the fact that you’re not bothering to help rock the baby back to sleep during its many tantrums through the night. “Hey, this wasn’t what I signed up for!” she thinks to herself


In addition, you’re probably from those who are struggling to keep up the levels of diyāna or the practising of your Islam completely as you might have envisaged pre-marriage. As the male, you might now be enjoying staying in, children, family and don’t have enough time for circles, hifdh and the like. As the mother, you’re now busy with the kids and the housework and the levels of imān are low in general. Or as the male, you’re attending every circle under the sun and lumping the woman with the kids, the upkeep of the house and the politics of the mother and father, and then wondering during the peak of your imān why your wife is more irritated, impatient, and generally less practising than you are!

Married life is a classic expression of people compromising and putting the other in front of their own wishes and desires. Or at least it should be.

Arguments and disagreements are aplenty, stress and pressures increase exponentially as child care becomes more challenging and keeping up with the Joneses next door at the same time becomes more and more important in the middle-aged life. And with all of these excuses to lose the “loving feeling” between partners and even worse, lose any motivation to try and revive the connection between you, along come all the tests and trials from the rest of the community around you in the form of beautiful younger women, work-mates, colleagues and a society obsessed on offering you better, thinner, sexier ad infinitum.

The woman isn’t as beautiful any more, not as slim as she used to be, not as relaxed and easy going as the good old days. The man: well, he’s certainly lost his looks, gained a stomach, lost his hair and worst of all, lost his prowess. And there really can’t be anything worse for a man to put up with than losing his pride and face in front of his wife and the people. Some truths really are eternal, and as Imām al-SuyĆ«ti reportedly said in the book which is (perhaps incorrectly) attributed to him, Nawādir al-Ayk, that the love of the dunya comprises of just two things: women and riding horses. Compare that fact in today’s time and it is exactly the same, for a man loves women and quality driving more than anything else. And as all the Letts diaries and popular sayings/phrase books remind us, “Tell a man anything except that he’s rubbish at sex and driving.”

Hilariously true.

So to suffer such humiliation alongside all the other stresses can often prove too much right? Feel like giving up on all this hassle? Can’t be bothered anymore? Need a new life-changing moment? Feeling insecure?

So much so that when looking at the numbers of good Muslim couples divorcing these days, one wonders whether the concept of “Epic Fail” was invented by a bloke looking at the Muslim community.

It is at these challenging times that a Muslim really proves their quality, when the going gets tough, when the wife becomes unbearable to be around, far too depressing and moody, when the husband becomes far too distant, absent and angry, when the woman starts to go out more and socialise with her friends who give her attention, when the husband loses interest in providing sexual satisfaction to his needy partner and only focuses on his two-minute fix of pleasure-on-demand.

It is here when the Muslims have to step up and realise that marriage was most definitely more than just “falling in love”, eroticism and the short-term. Rather it is for the sake of Allah, it is for the sake of the children, and it’s for the sake of the community at large who need to see people battle it out and suppress their desires for risk, excitement and throwing away stressful responsibility, It is time to stand up and be counted and instead embrace the challenge of maintaining, sustaining, remaining stable and accepting increased responsibility with honour, patience and trust in Allah.

Let me remind you of a wonderful narration from ‘Umar b. al-Khattāb (radhy Allāhu ‘anhu) in al-Kharā’itī’s book on character:

“From Abu ‘Azrah al-Du’ali who lived during the time of ‘Umar (radhy Allāhu ‘anhu) and used to marry women and then separate from them, until he became known by the people for doing so, and stories would be told about him. When he heard of this, he took ‘Abd Allah b. al-Arqam home with him, and while he was listening, asked his wife, “I implore you with God’s name: Do you hate me?”

“Don’t implore me like that,” she said.

He said, “Yet I do.”

“By God, yes.” she said.

Abu ‘Azrah said to ‘Abd Allah, “Did you hear that?” They then left and went to ‘Umar, saying to him, “People say I wrong women and then separate from them. Ask Abdullah what he heard from my wife.” He did so, and ‘Umar having heard what she had said, sent for his wife.

He said to her, “Are you the one that goes and tells her husband that she hates him?”

She said, “Oh Leader of the Faithful, I am the first to repent and turn back to God’s command. He implored me in God’s name, so what was I supposed to do? Lie? I felt wrong lying!”

“Then lie,” said ‘Umar. “If one of you doesn’t love someone else they shouldn’t say so. Few are those houses that are built upon love; rather people get along by depending upon Islam and Ihsān to one another.”

This is of course what we expect from those deep and blessed people who understood the inner realities of life and the challenges that they bring. ‘Umar has effectively provided for today’s social scientists the history of the old adage that love is indeed fickle, temporal and but just a fleeting moment. Relationships might kick off with love and enjoy little moments of love here and there, but their fuel and sustenance comes from respect, justice, friendship, loyalty and sacrifice; all of these aspects and more are wonderfully and succinctly summed up by ‘Umar in his use of Islam and Ihsān to illustrate the pinnacle of these qualities.

So just as we recognise when a warring couple come to us for divorce and we appreciate that they are both within their legal right to divorce, we try to discourage them as much as possible. This is not because the “most hated thing to Allah from the halal actions is divorce” (which is not an authentic Hadīth as claimed by many) but because the children deserve better, the respective families deserve better and the community deserves better.

It is often difficult to look beyond your own needs and wants in such critical moments of crisis; it is difficult to remind ourselves that our children need a strong parental presence to survive in the hell that 21st Century society has become, whether in the West or the East – no place in the world is safe enough anymore to allow our children free to just grow up by themselves. It is difficult to appreciate just how dependent the community is upon certain Muslim couples to be perfect, look perfect and act perfect. They can’t afford to slip up and they can’t afford to show cracks to a people whose only hope of keeping themselves together is the fact that their role-models are doing the same.

And let not the devil take advantage of you here and question your intentions. This is not a fraud or a lie. The Prophet (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) allowed what could possibly be translated as “blagging” to occur specifically to keep the husband and wife together and strong, even if things were difficult. It’s really an incredible thing that we are allowed to say that “you look wonderful tonight” when she patently doesn’t, or to say “that thobe makes you look quite thin” when you know that even a tent wouldn’t hide that backside of his. But this shows the extent that we are commanded to try to keep other people happy, other Muslims happy, and indeed the mother and father of our children happy!

Perhaps such reminders can fall foul to idealism, but problems do need achievable goals and the Muslims should have no doubt that peaceful happy marriage is possible between husbands and wives who might not still have much in common, where there might not seem many reasons to carry on making sacrifices, and where the grass always seems greener on the other side.

No, it is always worth making sacrifices. Surely this is what drives the Muslim in this life, the fact that he/she doesn’t act and make decisions thinking in the short-term i.e. the life of this world, but rather acts not expecting to see good results in this dunya and thus receiving the full rewards in the next life.

Being patient and remaining calm at moments of anger and fury, or trying to overcome that apparent impasse might seem difficult for the Muslim but it shouldn’t.

For the woman, if he’s acting like a fool then just remind him of his obligations, tell him how you feel and tell him that you will take a higher road. And do that. You have it in your genetic make-up to have a greater amount of compassion, mercy and patience so this is the greatest and most rewarding time to use it: to save a marriage. And if all else fails, think of the children.

As for the man, then when your wife has done the “unforgiveable” and irritated you beyond what you can “possibly bear” and you are about to open your mouth and say something that you’ll ultimately regret, just stop and reflect. You spend enough time in jest reminding your wife that she is deficient in deen and ‘aql, that she is worth half a man in ‘aql and witnessing etc. Well, let’s see you put that belief into practice. If she really is “half a man”, really is “ half your ‘aql “, then as one of our blessed scholars said, “You should have double the patience, double the calmness, double the gentleness and double the understanding.” If that’s not striking enough for you, then think of another amazing fact: if she really is half a man, then she has put up with all of the rubbish you throw at her every day to such a level which is only 50% of what is possible yet 100% of her ability!

Now let’s see you walk your own talk and show yourself to be the one who is more magnanimous. And if all else fails, think of the children.

Clearly no-one likes to swallow a bitter pill, but it wouldn’t be difficult or a sacrifice if the pill wasn’t bitter. Marriages survive with people just stopping at the critical moment of fury and saying, “You know what, I’ve forgiven you, so please forgive me for even bringing this issue to this level.”

And that’s it. Simple as that.

All the Hadīth on peace-making show up an incredible trait in humans: that when the reason to hate the other is challenged, the hate dissipates as quickly as it came. Thus, when you are mad at your wife for something and then you are told by a 3rd party (as per the Hadīth) who twists his words and says, “She really loves you and made a mistake in what she said,” then regardless of whether that’s the truth or not, when you see her next, there will be a completely different reaction. And when you don’t react in the horrible way that she’s expecting to react, she’ll also become immediately very sorrowful and will rid herself of any rancour as well. This is not idealism. This is fact. History and experience have borne witness to this and it is the right of all Muslims to act like this especially when advised as such by our Prophet (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam). It is only at these times when people realise just how petty that anger was, how petty the argument was, and how petty a reason you were trying to find to throwing away all that is really important to you in your life.

For this is the crux of the issue: although at moments you may become heedless but your partner is the most important aspect of surviving the test of this dunya. They are what protect you from zina, they are the ones who bring peace, stability, security and reassurance to the family home. They are the ones who keep you warm at night, and on a good night bring even more benefit! They are also the ones who give you the delight of your eyes, the “reason you live for” and more compellingly, the only possible reason that you may achieve intercession to get into Paradise: your children.

Marriage is worth it. Sacrifice is worth it. Keeping the Devil miserable is worth it. Gaining the Pleasure of Allah is worth it.

So keep up the struggle and keep the flame burning, and from my side I’ll resist the temptation to end this piece with another hit song from the eighties


And Allah jalla wa ‘alā knows best.

Posted in Marriage | Comments Off on What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Problems Toilet Training Your Child? Try Whistling.

Posted on February 12, 2013 by

Could whistling replace diapers? In many countries, it already does.

Researchers from Sweden recently followed 47 Vietnamese moms and babies for two years to study their toilet training techniques.‹ From birth, mothers tune in to when their babies urinate, developing awareness and sensitivity to their infants’ physical needs. When the baby pees, the mother whistles.

“The woman then makes a special whistling sound to remind her baby,” researcher Anna-Lena Hellström said in a press release. “The whistling method starts at birth and serves as an increasingly powerful means of communication as time goes on.”

The babies in the study made progress by the age of 3 months; by 9 months, most could use the toilet when reminded. By 2 years old, most of the toddlers used the potty completely independently.

Besides the obvious benefits, the researchers noted that the method promotes efficiency and reduces the risk of urinary tract infection.

“Our studies also found that Vietnamese babies empty their bladders more effectively,” Hellström said. “Thus, the evidence is that potty training in itself and not age is the factor that causes bladder control to develop.”

Of course, those who live in cultures where the method is common are generally more tolerant of children relieving themselves in public. In China, young children wear special pants without seams in the back so they don’t have to undress to go.

The bottom line? If you can’t wait to toss that last diaper, practice your whistle.

Source: http://news.discovery.com/human/health/how-to-potty-train-your-3-month-old-130131.htm

Posted in Toilet Training | Comments Off on Problems Toilet Training Your Child? Try Whistling.

Commercialization of the Western Family

Posted on February 10, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

I want to share an article that I honestly believe is very pertinent in our times.  It was written for the winter holidays, but I honestly believe that its message is relevant year round.  This article in my opinion is a must read, because it gives parents some very real ideas for activities to do with our families that are beneficial, healthy, and sorely lacking in our busy, techno-centric lives today.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ralph-nader/the-commercialization-of-_b_2346538.html

Disclaimer:  While this article is written by Ralph Nader who once ran for President of the United States in the past, by posting this article, I am not necessarily endorsing any of his political views.  I am simply endorsing only those elements of the article that adhere to the Qur’an and the Authentic Sunnah.

May ALLAH protect, and guide all of us, Ameen.

Was-Salamu’alaikum

Abu Maryam

 

 

Posted in Family | Comments Off on Commercialization of the Western Family

Islam continues to rise despite their efforts, SubhanALLAH!

Posted on February 8, 2013 by

It truly is amazing how, despite the laws they put in place to fight Islam, the number of reverts continues to rise, of all places, in France.

They want to extinguish the light of Allah with their mouths, but Allah will perfect His light, although the disbelievers dislike it.  Surah 61:8

 

Posted in Islamic Identity | Comments Off on Islam continues to rise despite their efforts, SubhanALLAH!

Something fun I just wanted to share :-)

Posted on February 7, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum:

This is a link I thought you might find interesting.  These are optical illusions that may make your head spin…enjoy!

http://gizmodo.com/5981603/20-optical-illusions-that-might-break-your-mind

Was-Salamu’alaikum

Abu Maryam

 

 

 

Posted in Games | Comments Off on Something fun I just wanted to share :-)

Pearl from the Al-Maghrib Course, “Protect This House” – Reverse Psychology

Posted on February 2, 2013 by

As-Salamu’alaikum.

I just wanted to take a moment and share a benefit (or “pearl” if you will) that I received from the Al-Maghrib course, “Protect This House” by Sheikh Abu ‘Eesa Niamatullah. Every parent has to deal with disciplining their children, and this is something Muslims in the west have a hard time with especially because the community here is either an immigrant population where societal norms from back home may be frowned upon or even deemed “abusive” by western standards, or are reverts from the local population, and unfortunately have experiences from their jahiliyyah period as a reference point which may not necessarily be Islamic. What is one to do? The biggest challenge that Muslim parents have in raising their children in the west (or anywhere else for that matter) are two things:

1. Making their children pray 5 times a day regularly.
2. Have their children memorize Qur’an.

So how does one accomplish the above? There is no “one size fits all” solution. This will always be a challenge for parents, however, what we can do is share useful tips that might be helpful to some if not all of us.

One such approach is something that I learned from this class a few weeks ago, which I refer to as “Reverse Psychology”. This technique works best for smaller children as opposed to the older ones so please bear this in mind when you consider to apply it. The way it works is rather simple. Some parents in an effort to make their children pray or read/memorize the Qur’an, end up “forcing” their children to do so, whether it is by corporal punishment (which unfortunately in some circles is the norm, and I actually have first-hand experience in this), or by raising their voices, isolating the child, and the list goes on. Instead, the parent uses the opposite approach. How? If your child is misbehaving, you tell the child,

“Go to your room, you are NOT ALLOWED TO PRAY WITH US!”

or

“Go to your room, you are NOT ALLOWED TO READ THE QUR’AN!”

This approach assumes of course that you as a family indeed pray together (if not, please start). The purpose of this is to let the child know that they have crossed a line, and are so bad that they don’t have the PRIVILEGE to pray to ALLAH, or read ALLAH’S BOOK. This approach has three purposes:

1. Let the child know that Salah is a privilege, and only the special elite get to Pray to ALLAH.
2. Being away from Salah or from learning the Qur’an should create a void in the heart, and a real sense of guilt/loss, that can only be fulfilled with Salah/learning Qur’an.
3. With this realization in mind, they will feel honoured to join the fold once again in Salah, and have a much greater appreciation for the Salah, and will (InshaALLAH) grow to love the Salah.

Your purpose at the younger age is to foster a love for the Salah, and a love of learning/reading the Qur’an. Unfortunately, this feeling is lost when you enforce these rules with strict punishment. Your intentions may be altruistic, but your actions will unfortunately cause hurt, and pain, which the child in turn, will associate with Salah/learning the Qur’an. As I said, I know this feeling and experience all too well(it actually took YEARS for me to come back to learning the Qur’an). Once you have fostered this love of Salah, and learning the Qur’an, your job of teaching them to your child has become SIGNIFICANTLY easier (InshaALLAH).

One thing I must stress here, and that is, you as a family must already be praying together or actively reading Qur’an in front of your family. Leading is always through example, and if this is not something you’re doing, then this “punishment” will not work. In this situation, it is you who is the problem, and you must start with yourself. Then and only then will you be able to have an affect on others. Make jama’ah at home, or have your husband lead the children in Salah. In addition, recite the Qur’an that you yourself have been learning/teaching in the loud Salah so that you are putting into practice what you have been learning/teaching yourself. Let Salah be a family thing like eating dinner together. Praying, and learning Qur’an is not just for children, but for everyone. Let your child know that if Salah and learning Qur’an is important for grown-ups, then what excuse do they have?

As the old saying goes, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a life.” In this case, fostering a love of praying, and learning Qur’an is your own way of teaching your child to “fish” so to speak 🙂

May ALLAH make things easy for you and your family.

Take care.
Was-Salamu’alaikum
Abu Maryam

Posted in Islamic Studies | Comments Off on Pearl from the Al-Maghrib Course, “Protect This House” – Reverse Psychology